Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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