Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just gargled with NyQuil
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
