I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize