Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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