Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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