He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
