Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
