There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
