I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
