He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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