Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
