I faked an abortion last night.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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