This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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