I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
