You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize