Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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