I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....