I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dating After Heartbreak
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.