I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?