Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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