And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
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My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
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I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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