I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
