i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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