Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
