these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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