Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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