Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
