Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
