Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She's JV to your varsity
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
