I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
