My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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