i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
