Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
