As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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