I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
