My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
