I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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