Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
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All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
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I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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