nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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