Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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