My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
