Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
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the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
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Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?