I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
