I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
