I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
His nipple licking is glorious
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
