Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
