Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
