so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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