How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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