so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
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Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
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Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...