I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.