Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
