Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
