if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
