Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
