Betty ford says i'm here all night
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
