guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
