Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
