My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There's always time for handjobs
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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