Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
