I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us