Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
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Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
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All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...