I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
We were destined to go to rehab together
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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