I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
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as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
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You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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