I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
