You made me cry and you don't even care
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
