My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
